About a year ago I recieved an email. It was almost 50 weeks ago. Because I never had the correct software I could never view it as it was intended. I came upon this email, and it's attachment today and I now have the correct software so I saw what i was supposed to see. Tears came upon my eyes.

I know a crux that will shape the course of events to come is aobut to arrive. What shall happen I do not know. Do I wan to know? Only if it tells me the outcome, becase then do i not care about the course. What does that mean? Well i guy can go on about a lot and say nothing.

Tonight was one of those nights that came by surprise. Well, half suprise that is. I talked with the girl for quite a while. What do i make of it all? I dont know. Am i happy. No! Do i know what might make me happy? yes. Is it in my control? Not at this point.

I wnat to be with her there is no doubt. But i find it difficult to be with someone when you want it more. Do i feel like I made mistakes? Well yeah i do, but not like the mistake you make in one hasty judgement over a night of lust. This mistake was losing vision of where i was going. did we do that together? Yes. What is too blame? A lot. Myself, my old work schedule, my familia finacncial obligation, and an overall quality of myself sucking. Over the last few years I have developed into this pit of carkoon that no one could be proud of. I became rather boring rather slowly. I realized this over the recent holiday. I need to spice it up. A lot. I have become so engrossed with academia that i lost in touch with the real world. And when that happened the real world left me behind taking with one of the only valuable s I care for. Are there problems with the real world? Most certaintly, but that doesn't give the excuse to preclude yourself the whole time. The interesting thing is how that can turn into, over it's evolution, a habit of not socializing, so when it does occur it is awkward.

What do I want to happen? I want to be happy, together. Do I forsee that happening? I'm not sure, it's really out of my hands. I wish I had some control, but at this point in time i dont. I think that it will end up in a break of total separation. The goal of this is to see if the beautiful bird flys away and sees if it want to come to the old nest again someday. Psychologically that is the only way it can work. Well not just that path, but she has to wnat to come back to me and say " i want it to work." Once you grant that moment the rest takes care of itself. Your willing to compromise and think outside yourself, your willing to let go of all he bullshit baggage. Which it is, most baggage is bullshit. But not all of it is. Some is nasty. Very nasty. And it will come and fuck you in the ass. I still love her. A lot. But I cannot be ready to hold the pin and just wait for the moment she wants you. I feel that if she does want the break, it may be good for her. It may want her to re-visit me with a renewed interest. However, the flip side to all this is myself waiting. Will I wait? No, I wont. Not that i will run out and find a dancing buddy. But I shall not dwell and focus on what I wanted to happen. The process is hard and painful beyond anything i would like to endure. I would be a baseball player if that was soo. Does it mean that it would be over? Well no of course not. But you can only hold out so long before what you share for compassion turns into contempt. You let the bird go and hopefully you wake and the bird is perched on the branch singing a new but famiiiar song. But you cannot excpet that bird to come back and maybe it never will. I shall never know for the future debate, but at some point I'll look back and be able to tell you.

For any errors , or misunderstanding's I'm sorry. I had rather too much to drink tonight and it shows in my punctation, spelling, and word choice. Captain Kiltlifter to the rescue. I know that i will wake with pain. I felt as accepting of the situation as i could when i got off the phone. And after a few beers I could feel the pain wash away. Yet beneath it all I could feel the residue of the deep pain that no topical cream can cure. I hurt, and wish for it to be better. I know it can, but my mother agents are time itself. She healed me before she can heal me again. Only this time, I'd rather not go through it again.

For long enough have I abandoned my written history. I have other forums in which to discuss my personal life, but I cannot write about daily trivial things in them because I am afraid of making any of those forums trivial. Here begins the journey of my trivial adventure of my daily life once again. I once started you and wrote profusely until I started sharing it. Now I vow to not care who shall read and who shall learn, if there shall be anything to gain. I've yearned to tell my daily tales of useless info because in the end it matters to me. I like to see where I've been and what I've done because my own personal recording device, "the brain", isn't always the most up to date system of recording data. It is good don't get me wrong, but it is not perfect.

I came home from work and expected to have the guys just chillin at the house doing their own thing. But when I got home a couple of the guys had gone out to a party and were going to be back by the time I got off work. Ryan was playing a game and made some garlic mashed potatoes and offered them to me as a post work dinner. They were very good, but only hinting of garlic. Brandon and Guillermo came home and G seemed to have a good time at the party but B was just very hungry. I wanted to go to the party and G wanted to go back. We tried as we might to convince B, but he had been there and done that. I jumped in the shower. Joey wasn't going to go but he finished enough of his sound design, and we convinced him to go. So as I got out of the shower J got in. I drank a glass of beer I imported from San Diego the previous day on a random excursion with G. We all got dressed and cleaned up, and Ryan got off the game and drove us to the party.

When we pulled up to the street cars were lined all along the way, and two very noticeable ones were right off the main street. Police Cars. We found a spot to park down and up the street we needed to be at. We weren't sure what was going to happen to the party since cops were flashing lights at the front door when we passed. So we just strolled in through the side fence door and entered in the back. The party was pretty hoppin with two seperate bon fires and a whole assortment of people inside and out. The band we hoped to reach had finished playing so we strolled about and decided to leave and check out a party that J's fiance was at.

We didn't know how to get there so J called Meg, who didn't answer her phone many times. So we weren't sure what to do. We met a guy in the party who was going to a bar on Southern, but once in the car he called G and said his buddy was arrested so the bar thing was out. We couldn't find directions so we pooled together who in all likely hood would know about this party and who we could get a hold of. G called Lauren. She gave good directions and we made it there with only minor detours. The detours were caused by our own position and not the directions. We basically had to work backwards, so some errors were bound to occur.

We had entered the tail end so there wasn't much going on. Ryan started a game of Jenga, and afterwards Ryan read excerpts from the book of "what if's" as G and I traded the growler of Coronado Nut Brown Ale. That went on for a while and we migrated to the couch where I was accosted by a girl because i didn't think another girl was hot. Ryan didn't think so either and then we were both labeled as psuedo-frat guys. I believe her intent was to insult us, but I have always looked like a pretty boy so I rather expected it. I think according to those around it was one of the worst insults you could throw. Why, i dont know, but i didnt care. We just talked with various sorts for a while, drank more beer, G filled my hand with a glass full of sprite and vodka, which i finished without even realizing it. We all got pretty drunk, except Ryan who didn't drink at all. The night just sort of went it's course with girls kissing girls, girls taking off their shirts and bras and having a pillow fight in the yard, girls giving lap dances, and then finally the good byes. Everything went pretty smooth. Only pretty because there was one glitch. After we were insulted on the couch one of our girls started defending us to another. She didn't do a good job at all but it was very appreciable. The girl that had thrown the "insults" I had went up to to say goodnight. I reached my handout and she raised hers, but when our hands met in clasp she didn't squeeze, which doesn't matter particularly anyway because that is how some shake. She kept her mouth closed, pursed her lips and looked in a different direction. I walked away and couldn't help laughing and only contained it until the end of the kitchen. What a bitch. Really quite funny. I was judged as a certain kind of guy by walking in a room and judging there were no hot girls, stayed and talked to them all. Didn't make obsence gestures about assanine qualites. Didn't yell "Woo". Didn't try to hook up or get with any of the drunk girls. And the best conversation I had was with a man who is gay.

Good night, very drunk, good personal conversation with friends. The downside to it all is the practice of something I have known for a long time. Alcohol has the effect of remedying any and all personal and painful dilemmas that exist in my life. It is bad because it could become a bain very quickly. Tonight was a good night.