I know a crux that will shape the course of events to come is aobut to arrive. What shall happen I do not know. Do I wan to know? Only if it tells me the outcome, becase then do i not care about the course. What does that mean? Well i guy can go on about a lot and say nothing.
Tonight was one of those nights that came by surprise. Well, half suprise that is. I talked with the girl for quite a while. What do i make of it all? I dont know. Am i happy. No! Do i know what might make me happy? yes. Is it in my control? Not at this point.
I wnat to be with her there is no doubt. But i find it difficult to be with someone when you want it more. Do i feel like I made mistakes? Well yeah i do, but not like the mistake you make in one hasty judgement over a night of lust. This mistake was losing vision of where i was going. did we do that together? Yes. What is too blame? A lot. Myself, my old work schedule, my familia finacncial obligation, and an overall quality of myself sucking. Over the last few years I have developed into this pit of carkoon that no one could be proud of. I became rather boring rather slowly. I realized this over the recent holiday. I need to spice it up. A lot. I have become so engrossed with academia that i lost in touch with the real world. And when that happened the real world left me behind taking with one of the only valuable s I care for. Are there problems with the real world? Most certaintly, but that doesn't give the excuse to preclude yourself the whole time. The interesting thing is how that can turn into, over it's evolution, a habit of not socializing, so when it does occur it is awkward.
What do I want to happen? I want to be happy, together. Do I forsee that happening? I'm not sure, it's really out of my hands. I wish I had some control, but at this point in time i dont. I think that it will end up in a break of total separation. The goal of this is to see if the beautiful bird flys away and sees if it want to come to the old nest again someday. Psychologically that is the only way it can work. Well not just that path, but she has to wnat to come back to me and say " i want it to work." Once you grant that moment the rest takes care of itself. Your willing to compromise and think outside yourself, your willing to let go of all he bullshit baggage. Which it is, most baggage is bullshit. But not all of it is. Some is nasty. Very nasty. And it will come and fuck you in the ass. I still love her. A lot. But I cannot be ready to hold the pin and just wait for the moment she wants you. I feel that if she does want the break, it may be good for her. It may want her to re-visit me with a renewed interest. However, the flip side to all this is myself waiting. Will I wait? No, I wont. Not that i will run out and find a dancing buddy. But I shall not dwell and focus on what I wanted to happen. The process is hard and painful beyond anything i would like to endure. I would be a baseball player if that was soo. Does it mean that it would be over? Well no of course not. But you can only hold out so long before what you share for compassion turns into contempt. You let the bird go and hopefully you wake and the bird is perched on the branch singing a new but famiiiar song. But you cannot excpet that bird to come back and maybe it never will. I shall never know for the future debate, but at some point I'll look back and be able to tell you.
For any errors , or misunderstanding's I'm sorry. I had rather too much to drink tonight and it shows in my punctation, spelling, and word choice. Captain Kiltlifter to the rescue. I know that i will wake with pain. I felt as accepting of the situation as i could when i got off the phone. And after a few beers I could feel the pain wash away. Yet beneath it all I could feel the residue of the deep pain that no topical cream can cure. I hurt, and wish for it to be better. I know it can, but my mother agents are time itself. She healed me before she can heal me again. Only this time, I'd rather not go through it again.
Tonight was one of those nights that came by surprise. Well, half suprise that is. I talked with the girl for quite a while. What do i make of it all? I dont know. Am i happy. No! Do i know what might make me happy? yes. Is it in my control? Not at this point.
I wnat to be with her there is no doubt. But i find it difficult to be with someone when you want it more. Do i feel like I made mistakes? Well yeah i do, but not like the mistake you make in one hasty judgement over a night of lust. This mistake was losing vision of where i was going. did we do that together? Yes. What is too blame? A lot. Myself, my old work schedule, my familia finacncial obligation, and an overall quality of myself sucking. Over the last few years I have developed into this pit of carkoon that no one could be proud of. I became rather boring rather slowly. I realized this over the recent holiday. I need to spice it up. A lot. I have become so engrossed with academia that i lost in touch with the real world. And when that happened the real world left me behind taking with one of the only valuable s I care for. Are there problems with the real world? Most certaintly, but that doesn't give the excuse to preclude yourself the whole time. The interesting thing is how that can turn into, over it's evolution, a habit of not socializing, so when it does occur it is awkward.
What do I want to happen? I want to be happy, together. Do I forsee that happening? I'm not sure, it's really out of my hands. I wish I had some control, but at this point in time i dont. I think that it will end up in a break of total separation. The goal of this is to see if the beautiful bird flys away and sees if it want to come to the old nest again someday. Psychologically that is the only way it can work. Well not just that path, but she has to wnat to come back to me and say " i want it to work." Once you grant that moment the rest takes care of itself. Your willing to compromise and think outside yourself, your willing to let go of all he bullshit baggage. Which it is, most baggage is bullshit. But not all of it is. Some is nasty. Very nasty. And it will come and fuck you in the ass. I still love her. A lot. But I cannot be ready to hold the pin and just wait for the moment she wants you. I feel that if she does want the break, it may be good for her. It may want her to re-visit me with a renewed interest. However, the flip side to all this is myself waiting. Will I wait? No, I wont. Not that i will run out and find a dancing buddy. But I shall not dwell and focus on what I wanted to happen. The process is hard and painful beyond anything i would like to endure. I would be a baseball player if that was soo. Does it mean that it would be over? Well no of course not. But you can only hold out so long before what you share for compassion turns into contempt. You let the bird go and hopefully you wake and the bird is perched on the branch singing a new but famiiiar song. But you cannot excpet that bird to come back and maybe it never will. I shall never know for the future debate, but at some point I'll look back and be able to tell you.
For any errors , or misunderstanding's I'm sorry. I had rather too much to drink tonight and it shows in my punctation, spelling, and word choice. Captain Kiltlifter to the rescue. I know that i will wake with pain. I felt as accepting of the situation as i could when i got off the phone. And after a few beers I could feel the pain wash away. Yet beneath it all I could feel the residue of the deep pain that no topical cream can cure. I hurt, and wish for it to be better. I know it can, but my mother agents are time itself. She healed me before she can heal me again. Only this time, I'd rather not go through it again.
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