I walked out of her life, to have her bring me in again, to then be left. I was a fool. Just a stupid fucking fool.

I'm staying at Nick's place. Shannon wanted me to come over and stay the night, and Nick wanted to be there for me as a friend.

I have already begun the process of deleting her life and memory from my own.
She's deleted from my phone.
Her AIM handle has been removed.
Goodbye livejournal.
Bikutaki will be lost from server memory.
My wardrobe will make a dramatic change. All of the clothes purchased by her, or for her, or remind me of her, will be given to charity. At least then I have the hope that someone will enjoy them. Goodbye American Eagle, all of it.
And all of the other shit that contains memory, shall be thrown in the Giants bin.

What is most peculiar is advise given to those that when the consideration is not for the person's best interest but their own. Especially when they are a "respectable" authority. It's sad to see someone miss a clue, when someone else has an agenda, especially when it affects you because they dont want you around. You can never say it though, they will never understand, because they have never been able to see it.

If you have left someone because you are going through a lot of stress, but it is unrelated to that person, then there is an obvious disconnect. The largest fundamental error in this process is that you are losing the best tool you have available to help you through your own struggles.

Nick is losing his mother to cancer. She is a rare gem of sweetness and tranquility. His mother was my second mother through my adolescence. There is much to relate about her, but one thing that I felt sad about were the significant others of our friends who will never be able to share how important she was to us all.

Nicolas has never had to endure through any type of loss due to death in his life. And so for his first experience, it had to be the worst. Lately we have been carrying a discourse about what this means to us, and what it means to deal with death. He has shared how in dealing with his mother's condition it has caused him to be rather ill tempered to his girlfriend Shannon for no good reason at times. He then finds that she has been rather resilient and superbly patient when dealing with his seemingly uncontrollable mood swings. He thought that he could deal with death if it was sudden and unexpected. I told him that he would not like that because in sudden death you do not have the opportunity to tie up loose strings. In sudden death you dont have those moments to do what you would have liked to. Like say I Love You for the last time. Prolonged death allows for closure that is otherwise unattainable. By no means is it easy, but it allows for a more complete healing when dealing with death. He has also has shared that he wants so shut everyone out of his life so that he can deal with it on his own. He realizes that by doing this he is not really addressing his problem, but merely running away from it. By throwing out those that are closest to him, and know him the best, he has effectively thrown out his best tools in dealing with his emotional condition. Through honest discourse with those that love him, and want to listen, he can more appropriately cope and handle his position. I am glad that he did not shut me out, even in the beginning of this long painful process we have found that this has already strengthened our bonds to one another. He has already realized this because he has said that without us already, he would be in a far far worse condition. Knowing that he has people that love him, and want to help him, this provides the needed cushions to help him deal with this heavy impact. And we both know, that the worst part of this storm is yet to come. I'm just glad that I can be there to help him through his rough times.

I've canceled my World of Warcraft account. I have been thinking about it the last few days, and today gave me the resolve I needed.