I have been digging up a lot of buried thoughts and reflections over the past week. A journal that I once kept up, then abandoned about two years ago resurfaced. I shall over time relate various piques that have accumulated over the years. This will help maintain and strengthen my focus for my new future.

Eventually I will further explain the how my last post is related to many, if not all of my personal social decisions I have made.

This piece I came across a few days ago, but I have not been stationary enough to sit down and flesh it out.

"She says she wants to be with me, but fails to maintain her loyalty to me."
I had been coming to grips with our relationship and didn't know if I could still be in it. There have been many wounds caused, minor, major and critical, and I didn't know if I could take much more. The obvious answer is to leave a relationship that causes so much pain, but why would I hold onto it. I was hoping things would change, and I thought they could change because of her vocal support that they would. We would do what we could to take care of each other and protect our relationship. This again turned out to be full of broken promises and empty meanings. There has been a series of periods where I put the relatioship in limbo, because she had generated an ambivalence in me regarding it. I wanted it to be something that I thought possible. She wanted the relationship badly because when we were together it was the most wonderful joyous and personal intertwinement either of us ever wanted. She knew I loved her, even despite all the pain she caused to me, and her advise to me about our situation was "that even though all the damage was done, if we are close, or at least near each other, then things will heal."