The past week I have been stuck in a F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. I'll probably sit down and write it all out when I'm in Oregon, because then I'll have time to sit and write.

I hope to stay in my own bed tonight so I can get some quality sleep. I slept almost seven hours last night and it felt like the best night of sleep I've had in while. Oh that's sad. Yup, tonight shall be a quiet reading night. Well, I've already said that more than once before and it didn't work out that way.

I have been digging up a lot of buried thoughts and reflections over the past week. A journal that I once kept up, then abandoned about two years ago resurfaced. I shall over time relate various piques that have accumulated over the years. This will help maintain and strengthen my focus for my new future.

Eventually I will further explain the how my last post is related to many, if not all of my personal social decisions I have made.

This piece I came across a few days ago, but I have not been stationary enough to sit down and flesh it out.

"She says she wants to be with me, but fails to maintain her loyalty to me."
I had been coming to grips with our relationship and didn't know if I could still be in it. There have been many wounds caused, minor, major and critical, and I didn't know if I could take much more. The obvious answer is to leave a relationship that causes so much pain, but why would I hold onto it. I was hoping things would change, and I thought they could change because of her vocal support that they would. We would do what we could to take care of each other and protect our relationship. This again turned out to be full of broken promises and empty meanings. There has been a series of periods where I put the relatioship in limbo, because she had generated an ambivalence in me regarding it. I wanted it to be something that I thought possible. She wanted the relationship badly because when we were together it was the most wonderful joyous and personal intertwinement either of us ever wanted. She knew I loved her, even despite all the pain she caused to me, and her advise to me about our situation was "that even though all the damage was done, if we are close, or at least near each other, then things will heal."

This should answer a lot of unexplained questions over the past 3 years, almost to the day. And I actually said I'm not a hopeful romantic. *sigh. There are so many logical fallacies I committed because I lost my grounding in reality.

Yesterday was brighter than i had expected it to be. Went out last night and had margaritas with some friends. We stayed until closing and the night overall was really damn good.

Except I woke up early in the morning with what I believe is food poisoning because I have pains in my stomach that feels like broken glass is passing through my intestines.

I walked out of her life, to have her bring me in again, to then be left. I was a fool. Just a stupid fucking fool.

I'm staying at Nick's place. Shannon wanted me to come over and stay the night, and Nick wanted to be there for me as a friend.

I have already begun the process of deleting her life and memory from my own.
She's deleted from my phone.
Her AIM handle has been removed.
Goodbye livejournal.
Bikutaki will be lost from server memory.
My wardrobe will make a dramatic change. All of the clothes purchased by her, or for her, or remind me of her, will be given to charity. At least then I have the hope that someone will enjoy them. Goodbye American Eagle, all of it.
And all of the other shit that contains memory, shall be thrown in the Giants bin.

What is most peculiar is advise given to those that when the consideration is not for the person's best interest but their own. Especially when they are a "respectable" authority. It's sad to see someone miss a clue, when someone else has an agenda, especially when it affects you because they dont want you around. You can never say it though, they will never understand, because they have never been able to see it.

If you have left someone because you are going through a lot of stress, but it is unrelated to that person, then there is an obvious disconnect. The largest fundamental error in this process is that you are losing the best tool you have available to help you through your own struggles.

Nick is losing his mother to cancer. She is a rare gem of sweetness and tranquility. His mother was my second mother through my adolescence. There is much to relate about her, but one thing that I felt sad about were the significant others of our friends who will never be able to share how important she was to us all.

Nicolas has never had to endure through any type of loss due to death in his life. And so for his first experience, it had to be the worst. Lately we have been carrying a discourse about what this means to us, and what it means to deal with death. He has shared how in dealing with his mother's condition it has caused him to be rather ill tempered to his girlfriend Shannon for no good reason at times. He then finds that she has been rather resilient and superbly patient when dealing with his seemingly uncontrollable mood swings. He thought that he could deal with death if it was sudden and unexpected. I told him that he would not like that because in sudden death you do not have the opportunity to tie up loose strings. In sudden death you dont have those moments to do what you would have liked to. Like say I Love You for the last time. Prolonged death allows for closure that is otherwise unattainable. By no means is it easy, but it allows for a more complete healing when dealing with death. He has also has shared that he wants so shut everyone out of his life so that he can deal with it on his own. He realizes that by doing this he is not really addressing his problem, but merely running away from it. By throwing out those that are closest to him, and know him the best, he has effectively thrown out his best tools in dealing with his emotional condition. Through honest discourse with those that love him, and want to listen, he can more appropriately cope and handle his position. I am glad that he did not shut me out, even in the beginning of this long painful process we have found that this has already strengthened our bonds to one another. He has already realized this because he has said that without us already, he would be in a far far worse condition. Knowing that he has people that love him, and want to help him, this provides the needed cushions to help him deal with this heavy impact. And we both know, that the worst part of this storm is yet to come. I'm just glad that I can be there to help him through his rough times.

I've canceled my World of Warcraft account. I have been thinking about it the last few days, and today gave me the resolve I needed.

Sometimes you have to walk out of someone's life. You let them go because you have become a burden upon their existence and way of life. You have to let them go so that they can be left alone.

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I walked into my house and was greeted by the wailing of a cute little feline. I picked him up, at which he took his head and kept rubbing it against mine. I carried him into my room, and dropped him on the floor, where he began his wailing at me again. I sat on the floor to install an antenna extender on my wireless nic. The little feline walked over and sat in my lap, and then got up and jumped into my computer chair, which at this point was eye level with me on the floor. After installing the antenna I needed to go get the mail, since I have not done so in a few days. I got up, left my room, and grabbed the mail key, while having the little feline trail my side.

Once I grabbed the key, I opened the door to exit. The little feline shot past me, which he is apt to do when he wants out. Nothing surprising. I walked down my entrance way sidewalk and once I got to the road the little feline ran ahead of me, but kept turning his neck and calling at me. I wanted to see if he really was calling for me, or just at me. I followed him a few paces in the road, and when I stopped, he turned his head and yelled again. I followed twice as many paces as before, stopped, then again, he turned his head and yelled at me. I caught on rather quickly, and started to follow him, wondering where he would take me. We made it eight houses down, and the morning paper guy started his trolling through the neighborhood. I saw him coming, looked down at my little feline whose body had tensed up waiting in reaction. I crouched sitting on the my heels, and little feline moved back into the area of my lap and sat on his hind legs. The equivalent of a cat crouching, as I was doing. We watched as the paperboy moved past us without throwing a projectile in our direction. Once he was gone, my little feline continued along his path. We were keeping a quick pace and then we came to the edge of the park by my house.

I wasn't sure where he was going, but thought I would find out. Off the street, they have a border of small pebble rocks that seperate the grass from the road. I was barefoot so I embraced the jagged edges about to pierce my foot. My little feline ran up ahead, onto the grass and turned around and watched me. I made it through the rocks rather well, it was arriving upon the grass that did the damage. I say grass, but dont think of lush thickly dense forest green grass. This stuff is dry, brown, and more like dead twigs and branches than grass. Every few steps I could feel the intrusion of a weed, that as protection grew little tiny bristle thorns, which were now lodged into my feet. But I had to see where my little feline was taking me. We made it mid field, and he stopped and I sat next to him and crouched, where upon he did the same. We sat there for a few moments, then my little feline shot off in a side direction, and I began the pace behind. We zig-zagged a bit, checked out a hat someone had left behind, but little feline walked onto the basketball court. Seperating the court is a layer of rocks, like the layer that seperates the road. I looked forward to walking on the rocks, they seemed so much softer than the surface i was on. Little feline layed down in the dirt rocks, next to the edge of the court, and i took the time to sit on my ass, then moved down to lie on my back. I sat there looking at the hoop, which was right above me, and reminisced about all the time I had spent at this park in my lifetime. Little feline then walked over and layed down next to me. Not too close to throw the wrong impression, but close enough to show companionship. After realizing I was reminiscing, and my leader was a feline, i looked over at him and at that moment, little feline decided to go to the other side of the court and go down a short slope, which meets back up with the stiff grass. I followed little feline down and when I was near his point he shot past me, then turned in the side direction and sprinted and kept repeating this various pattern. I realized then he wanted to bring me to the park. This is where he goes to play at night. Once we were at the park he paid less attention to me following him, but he just wanted to play around me.

After a bit I had my fill, so I started walking back home. I didn't know if little feline was going to follow me home or stay in his playground, but once I was about 15 yards away he sprinted at me and shot past my legs. He would then come to a stop a bit ahead of me and lie down, or crouch, and I would walk passed him, and once I was a bit ahead, he would spring past me again. When I left the park, and stepped on the pavement I could feel all the thorns, and bristles I had acquired on the bottoms of my feet. I kept a nice smooth walking pace, and little feline was always right behind. I walked by the mailbox, grabbed my mail and went home. All the while, little feline was right next to me. He made my journey to get the mail and little longer but all the more enjoyable. Thanks my little feline for the adventure, it was fun while it lasted.

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I am planning my traveling for the summer. I have a week trip to San Francisco, then I will spend about three weeks in Oregon with my grandparents. Guillermo will probably not be able to spend that much time, but I have already begun the preparation of doing many of my activities alone. Camping, hiking, seeing the countryside of my nativeland etc. This should be good for me. I guess I'll find out.

I am going to put my two weeks in this coming weekend.

Said goodbye.

Ironically, I had already set the date of May 17th to begin the process of getting my softening body into the chiseled mass that it has and can be.

A lot of things are changing, and they are changing fast. I have a lot to look forward too, less to leave behind, and much more to reflect upon.