Almost fully moved in. Good stories to tell. Will do so when internet is fully functional.

Sidenote. I have always maintained that the moment after sex is the optimal time to know if I truly care about that person. That piece of personal knowledge rings louder and truer more than ever.

On the way back from the Rim, we got the news that we got the house. Meet with the landlord tomorrow, and then let the gatherings begin.

The short camping trip was amazing and very traditional. V and I fished, but only caught crawdads. Went out into the woods to collect fire wood. Had a wonderful dinner that mainly consisted of smores. The weather was quite nice except for a few choice moments, especially when in the middle of the night we were loudly awoken from our bed when a slight storm blew through, and took the hat off our tent and ripped out all the stakes. Then we ran out immediately in our undies to save the top of the tent. We saved the day, but when we were finished it was as calm and quiet in the sky as if nothing had ever happened. This is like twenty minutes after the mini cyclone came raging in. So we both sat up in bed and ate some graham crackers, which may have been the best tasting graham crackers I have ever had the joy in partaking in. Neither of us thought we would be able to go to sleep, so we were both sound asleep in the next fifteen minutes. I awoke in the morning and V made me a classic camping breakfast, which we topped off with our final smore of the trip.

It was the best camping trip I've been on since I was a kid. Things of couse went wrong, but even in chaos everything was peaceful, serene, and under control. Everything was wonderful.

Tonight we are going out to see Jake perform at a bar in North Phoenix, then we are going to go over to Jenn's friends house afterwards for a night of swimming. Oh the countryside and now the city life. Things are going well.

Reason sits quiet in front of Beauty.

Sometimes though reason wakes from its spellbound slumber and takes control of the reins. Then you can look at what had you bewitched and instead of finding the captivating beauty, alternatively there resides the standard of ugliness.

The last time a Potter book was released I went to the opening at my local Barnes and Noble store. I think the Potter series is cute, but I didn't have so much of an interest in the new book as I did in the chaos of the bookstore. Well I wasn't disappointed last time, especially when I was run over by five little kids all dressed up as wizards. This time however things were a bit different. I had been swimming in north Scottsdale for most of the day, so I went to the Desert Ridge B&N up there. The book store was definitely way overcrowded, but there wasn't very much mischief or mayhem this time. A bit dissapointing. They did count down the seconds to midnight, and when they hit zero, I was waiting for my Harry Potter's Eve kiss.

I need to get to bed, V and I are going camping for a few days at the Mogollon Rim.

Last night, I came home a bit after midnight, and planned on just getting some preparations into order. Everything was going fine, and then I get a phone call just a bit after 2am. It was from a little too intoxicated Mollie and Virginia. They were at a Whataburger after a night of drinking and were in no condition to be driving. So I drove over there to pick them up and take them home. When I walked into the store M looked at me and told me that there will be a rule in our house which has already been agreed upon by M and V, and that rule is hot boys are not allowed to wear shirts, and that includes G and I. When we decided to leave we ran into some logisticical problems. There were now two vehicles, but only one sober driver. In the end, we left my truck in the parking lot, and I drove the girls to M's place in her RAV4. All was fine, and while M quickly passed out, V and I stayed up late watching Princess Bride before crashing. In the morning we came back for my truck, which was still there thank goodness. Then I took V to pick up her car. We met up with G, and he drove the four of us to see a rental. In all, it was awesome, we filled out the applications, and hopefully will be moving in on Tuesday. So let the games begin!!!!

There exists that moment of relief where what you want comes along and washes away all the misery and pain, and leaves you open and full of hope and cleanliness. All the wounds are healed, all the scars are forgotten. That point in time can never be predicted, but when it happens god damn it feels good. God damn this feels good.

Today I awoke without the feeling that I was going to die. I will admit that it's a pretty good feeling, and I hope it keeps up for some time. Whatever illness/disease came and went I have no idea, but it tore the hell out of me. It was a blitzkrieg demon that came, saw, almost conquered and left a wake of undeniable destruction. I mostly laid on the floor and watched the all star game in my comotose state. Mollie, and Jenn came over to take care of me, but that mostly turned into them sitting with me on the floor and reading.

Steven Pinker made an excellent point. When people stand up and thank their parents for who they are, they should really be thanking their friends, because it is from your friends is where most of your characterists are developed. (well all traits are a combination of genes and environmental stimulus) It's always dissappointing to see people who you care about, or used to care about, hang out with people that turns them into someone who is just disgusting.

I stumbled upon this article and found many points that very closely paralleled my own life. It is a long read, but I found it more than worth it.

The Article

When K had cheated on me I too went into a fit of uncontrollable rage. "Your self-respect and sense of control over your life get swept away." I dwelled upon what had happened and this manifested in unrelenting anger for quite some time. It wasn't until I started to focus on mending our relationship and accept the fact that she cheated on me were we able to continue growing together. Which we did, and the cheating period no longer was an issue of our relationship, it just became part of it.

I am no doubt mourning the loss of a relationship that I felt was special. Afterwards I was full of anger and doubt, which inhibited me from self reflecting where and when we started to drift apart. Now I fully realize where it went south. For most of this past semester, our relationship was very very good. It wasn't until the very end did we start to generate conflict with one another. This all stemmed from our extemelely busy academic and professional lifes, which limited our ability to be with each other, because of these other strong commitments. Ultimately, neither of us did a lot to show each other that we really did love each other, even though we both did. We both are also very poor at communicating with each other. She would want something from me, but wouldn't really say anything, and when that something didn't happen she would become upset with me. The thing is I did the exact same thing to her. That's an interesting point, because what made us so great was all of the peculiar characteristic traits we shared, but also, that was our biggest problem too. Because the bad characterisict traits like being so stupidly stubborn, worked against each other. We both made it very hard for either of us to figure out how the other one felt about the relationship, and when it finally manifested, too many little problems generated into one huge problem.

Lately I have been exploring the concept of the rebound relationship. The relationship I had with K was true intimacy. When you get out of a relationship, where you have invested so much energy, love, and patience the bond that has been forged makes it virtually unbearable to let go of. This article doesn't discuss the rebound, but it addresses the affair, which both are very nearly identical in their emotional positions. What makes the affair, or rebound appealing is that it offers the "illusion of intimacy without the emotional baggage and responsibility." When you are in a very long committed relationship it will inherently build it's own baggage along with way. And this can put a heavy burden on either of the parties in the relationship.

I have recently been put into the position of the rebound relationship. One thing I registered immediately was how the feeling of intimacy was created. I suspect what this is doing is re-creating the intimacy that I shared in my former relationship. And this intimacy doesn't have the baggage that my former relationship had. This makes the relationship appear to be safe and secure. However, none of this is true.

Friday night was quite possible the worst night of my life. I saw a show that was perfectly amazing, but other more powerful forces took control that night.

Saturday, Mollie and I went to the desert to go star gazing, after she was done with her show. We ended up about 15 miles south of Ahwatukee, and threw blankets on the roof of her rav4 and laid down for a couple of hours. After we had been there for about an hour and a half, a cop drove by and then decided to stop and see what we were doing. When he got out of his vehicle he asked us if we were just star gazing. The officer then asks us if we knew that we were on an ndian reservation. We didn't know that, but he said it's ok if we stay, but the locals are very territorial of their land, and we should be careful because not so uncommon to be robbed in the area. After the cop left we only stayed for about 25 minutes, then went back home. We came to my house, where we both proceeded to go to sleep.

Sunday night, my niece, her boyfriend, and my friend Jenn, went bowling. When that was done, we went to Bree's house, and chilled and had some drinks. Other friends came over too so we had a good little gathering. I crashed at Bree's house, and woke up feeling very very ill.

See I have been having a problem sleeping. And when I mean bad, its really really bad. Lately I have not been able to sleep for longer than 15 minutes at a time, and of the course of the whole night, if you accumulate all of the short sleep visits, It averages out to about an hour and a half per night.

Once I woke up at Bree's house, and quicly went back to my house. I cannot truly describe exactly what is going on, but my entire body ached as if I survived a plane crash. My muscles cannot function at normal speed, and my head fills as if someone replaced my brain with a jelly donut. But i came home and crashed again. I woke up every few hours, because everyone and their mother kept calling me. At one point I decided to answer my phone, but I couldn't move very well, and the weight of the room made me feel as though I was trying to walk on Jupiter, which gravitational force is six times greater than Earth. What was unquestionably worse was the feeling in my head. My brain is functioning on such a low level, that I was having an extremely difficult time putting a dish into the dishwasher. Every movement and gesture has to be calculated. Like, pick up dish, turn on faucet, wash off debris, turn off faucet, move hands to open dishwasher, put dish away, close dishwasher, pick right leg up and step forward, and then follow with the same procedure with my left leg. This is about how I am functioning at the moment.

Mollie and V, called me numerous times throughout the day, but I didn't answer because I was, well, incapacitated. I called them back eventually, and when they found out how I was feeling, they both came over to take care of me. Those two girls are so wonderful to me, and it makes me so glad that they are going to be my roommates. They stayed with me all throughout the night, then they decided to go back to Mollie's place to watch a movie, but under no circumstance would I be allowed to stay at my house without company.

I have found a way to sleep, but as in everything else in the world, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

I realized what my illness is last night though. My entire nervous system is starting to shut down, like a nuclear power plant that is about to have a meltdown. My muscles are having difficulty contracting, and my brain cannot perform multiple tasks at any given moment. My brain is shutting down and it is not providing my body with enought electricity to keep it running. Oh, when I woke up to grab something to eat I was waiting to passout and fall into a coma. I mean that quite literally, I was afraid that if I fell back down, I was never going to wake up again.

*** Edited because accidentally posted before it was ready.

Our relationship slowly unraveled from the tightly wound ball that it once was. Now the splindly threads are disconnectly strewn across the floor.

I met her when I didn't want to fall in love, and I did. She met me when she wasn't ready to fall in love, but she did.

We met at the wrong time, we both know it. She needed to grow up. I needed to grow up. We have what it takes, but it was too early. If we had found ourselves later, we would have never let go of each other.

I need to learn how to take care of the person that I love and cherish more than anything. I need to learn to make the time. Make the effort amid all the choas of professional and academic life. I need to learn, because I'm not who I want to be. I want to be a better person, a better human being.

She is gone from my life and has found a new interest.

Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

Through broken sleep and knife cutting tirades existence will be different. I have a circle of embracement that I could never have had dreamt of before. My steps are taking me in a different direction for a different future.

When that day comes I will be ready to embrace that unsuspecting romance and do it right, because I will be the person I want to be.

Here is a pic from the exploding celebration, and another for part of the group that witnessed it. Also, I made an edit to the last post, because it is no longer true.

Our efforts are the efforts of the unfortunate;
our efforts are like those of the Trojans.
We succeed somewhat; we regain confidence
somewhat; and we start once more
to have courage and high hopes.

But something always happens and stops us
Achilles in the trench emerges before us
and with loud cries dismays us.--

Our efforts are like those of the Trojans.
We think that with resolution and daring,
we will alter the downdrag of destiny,
and we stand outside ready for battle.

But when the great crisis comes,
our daring and our resolution vanish;
our soul is agitated, paralyzed,
and we run all around the walls
seeking to save ourselves in flight.

However, our fall is certain. Above,
on the walls, the dirge has already begun.
The memories and the feelings of our own days weep.
Priam and Hecuba weep bitterly for us.

-Cavafy, "The Trojans"

Last night I had one of the deeper conversations in a while. Interesting things of note.
- I am one of the most conceited persons they know. (I'm not sure how to process that)

- The girl is a man-eater, and wants all of those that break up with her to be so heart broken that they cannot function for years.

- I need to just let it go.

This picture is from the night of my twenty first birthday party. After capturing that moment in time, it is interesting to see how things have developed four years later. There are three couples in the picture, and two of them are going to get married within the next year. You can guess which couple is not going to get married. Not to give it away, but the girl I was with did get very upset with me when I did not even think to give her a promise ring before she left for the military. A promise ring is a less exclamatory way of giving an engagement ring. They both mean the same thing. I guess she wasn't my marrying type.

Most everyone still stays in contact albeit much more loosely than back then. The person that I have spoken least to is smack dab in the middle. That girl is named Erika, and for just about two years, she was the closest person to me. She was my roommate for most of that period and during those years we had some of the best times of my life. I still cherish all the different parties, and gatherings we had at our apartments. We threw great parties, as can be attested by the many people I still see today. I have not spoke with her for about 10 months, and the last time we saw each other, was because I ran into her at ASU. I need to give that girl a call. She is the only truly platonic friendship I have ever had with a girl in my lifetime. On the average my having girls as friends generally does not work at all. I look like such a stupid dork in this pic. Well I guess I am at any rate. Right before I brought this picture in to scan, my mom said that she still wishes we could replace Heather with Kiki. She said that even after her and I have broken up. O mother.