"Seest thou a man diligent in his business? He shall stand before kings" (Prov. XXII. 29)

You need not be a christion or religious person to ascertain wisdom from this.

A man is defined by his actions.

One of the most desired and expensive gifts are jewels. When I look at a diamond I see a rock. I do not understand the importance that people put into jewels. I do not know if it's a primal or conditioned response.

Throughout all ancient cultures, as well as modern ones, jewels have always held a very important status. Many cultures believe that various stones hold magical properties or qualities that carry the same weight.

Modern cultures that have shed their skin of supernatural phenomena, jewels still hold an important position. Many of these positions are held for vanity, but some represent a bond within a relationship.

When I look at a diamond I see a rock. I understand how some people want their significant others to exchange jewelry, because to them it represents something that is very dear and unyielding. I have never agreed with this line of thought, and I have never given jewelry. To me it is fake and not very dear, so I cannot give jewelry and feel good about it. So in turn I have not. I can understand how jewelry throughout the course of a relationship can become an icon of that relationship, but it is when I hear,

"You don't love me because you havn't given me a diamond ring."

I have actually heard this before and various statements that amount to this same interpretation. If you don't get me said object, then you do not love me.

I do believe that sometimes someone could find a piece of jewelry that would represent that individual, and that gift in turn would be a very personal one. If I saw your average run of the mill diamond ring and gave it, then how does that represent the personality of who is recieving it? I suppose to carry a personal meaning, the ring would have to distinguish itself and carry significance beyond the rest.

When I look at jewelry at a store, I see the same rocks displayed in different ways and angles, but they do nothing to actually distininguish themselves. The average model who does a hundred different poses, is still the same model just in a different view. To me it is all the same.

My mother adores unicorns. If I saw a ring that had a diamond that was cut into a unicorn, that would be a much more personal ring. It would obviously look quite ridiculous, but it would hold more personal meaning. This ring would seperate itself from all the other stock, much like my mother does.

I have two pieces of jewelry. A gold necklace and a steel tongue ring.

When I first learned about the process of tongue piercing, it changed my perspective from being revolting to intriguing. When I had the piercing done, I was going through adolescent emotional turmoil brought on by a girl. During this period I changed my image because I believed I had continued my old image long enough. In reflection, I realize I was merely shedding my old self, and becoming the self I wanted to be -- happy. My reasoning now understands the changes were due to the emotional pain I was self inflicting, and I needed a new persona that was free of my old struggles. The piercing was a patch that complimented my new quilt. I still enjoy my piercing, but now it represents the change I made in my life. I crossed a junction and forged a path to reshape my existence so that I could find a road that I would enjoy being myself again. Up until that point I just wallowed on my own dirt road, and went nowhere. It is my symbol to find the strength of my will in order to journey where I would most like not to. New paths are always hard to undertake.

My gold necklace is the only link that I have between my father. I have not spoken to him since i was fourteen, and have not seen him since I was thirteen. I am twenty three now, so it has been awhile. It is a 14k gold necklace that is a little small, but fits quite snug. I hold onto it to remember that I have a father. During my thirteenth year he met a woman that changed him, which I do not understand, and may never understand, but he became different. My relationship with my father shall be covered elsewhere in much fuller detail.

There is a piece of jewelry that I shall get someday, but I do not know when. I want a silver anklet around my right ankle. This is a symbol of grounding and when I get to big-headed, or I know to much, I need to be reminded that I am not always right, and there is always another perspective.

For anything that can be made it can be destroyed. This is a universality because if it always was, then it always will be.

Saying goodbye to a friend is a difficult and painful experience. The courtship and journey of friendship is brought upon by circumstances that cannot be foreseen. Fate has no cards to play.

To finally come to terms with another individual and be able to call them friend, much time and effort would have to have been invested. Assuming that blind-trust was not inherent, then the trust that exists would have been acquired through labor. Trust is not static, and it is not unrootable. When you lose trust in a friend, you have lost that friend.

All individuals have the right to be as they understand it. To realize the friend who you thought you knew isn't what they portrayed themselves to be afflicts the body with much pain and uncertainty. The person who you thought you knew, may have been like that the entire time. It was your expectation of them, that wrought this feeling of deception. The betrayal they committed was always latent in them, you were just not able to recognize it. Just like power, friendship is something that is given, and you can take it away. The bonds that break those chains are cleaved by the axe with the finest blade. They are powerful and unforgivable.

To say goodbye to a good friend is not merely to have a friend slowly fade away. Friends from childhood have grown up and grown apart. People change and their experiences together dwindle and without idealogy there is not much to harbor a continuing relationship. These losses are hard in hindsight, but never during the moment because they are not usually ones to be seen. They pass by like a ghost that is ever present, but forever invisible. Pictures capture the moment of the past, but forever will they never be viewed in that instant, for that is not possible. It is saying goodbye to a friend who is in front of you sharing your breath that is the most painful. You are severing that cord that has tightened you two together. It is hard to tell that person that you will not go into the trenches of war with them. You do not trust them, and you will not die for them any longer.

When that moment of enlightenment happens and you realize your continuing path is a faulty one, it is not a moment of hope or joy. Instead, during the period of realization the good that embraced your mind, flees leaving behind only a sense of void and loneliness. At this moment you have said goodbye to your friend, thus breaking the link between your two beings. There are very few men who truly want to abandon the community because alone in nature most men want to be connected. Even if by only a single strand that binds them to the world around. It is always hard to let go. Here I am and I say this to you,

Goodbye Friend.

When it comes to what most individuals around my age like to do for fun, I am in the minority. I get the impression that what most people, especially the "college crowd", enjoy is drinking and sex. The public places that are most frequented by the majority, contain at its heart the aforementioned primary driving forces.

Yesterday my friend Alyssa graduated from college. Her journey to graduate was a most arduos one, being that she is a single mom. I am very proud of her, just as she is proud of herself. We were supposed to graduate together, but through my unusual circumstances, I have prolonged my taking the final walk by about five months.

She would comment quite frequently that once she graduated she would have a large party where she would remain in a drunken stupor. I came in to work for a company meeting, and I saw Allysa and she reminded me about her party. I talked to everyone at work and everyone was going. They were going to get there between 9 and 10. I got to her house at about 10:30, I was late because I was making fudge and caramels, and it took much longer than expected. When I pulled onto her street, I didn't see many cars so I called her to make sure that I didn't mix something up. Like I had the wrong night, or it was at someone else's house. She answered her phone and said not to bother coming over because not much was going on. I said that I didn't care, but I was at her front door.

Her sister answered and I walked into the house and upon entering the living room, I only saw Alyssa. She was lying on her couch all dressed up, but I realized very soon that she was drunk. Apparently her friends decided to go out to the bars and instead of staying home she went with them. She only came home to meet up all of her other friends that didn't go out to the bars. I was the only one who showed up. She didn't seem very sad about it, but I believe her drunkeness didn't allow her to care that much. She asked if we could go back out which I obliged.

I know what bars her friends like to frequent, but I went anyway. I felt she really needed a friend. The bar was going to have dueling pianos. I have never been to a dueling piano bar, so I was rather intrigued by it. We got to the bar and there was a cover, but Alysa paid for it because she knows I don't enjoy bar/clubs. That was very thoughtful of her, because I was going to pay the cover regardless. I was there for her, not myself.

The bar is underground, but I think to keep the same subterranean feel they keep it very poorly lit. There are two bars on either side to purchase alcohol, and straight ahead down some slight stairs reside the pianists. The two individuals performing on their respective piano, are very talented people. They play the piano and sing what amounts to good karoake all night.

I do not like bars, or at least bars that are trying to be more like a club. When I do decide to go to a bar I want to get a good beer and some good conversation. Neither of which are possible at these establishments.

I rarely venture into the world of pop culture, but I was able to see the major fashion trends into action. Instead of the commercials or windows that are trying to tell you what is 'in.' I have learned that the tight retro shirts from the seventies are back, but the color of choice is light blue or white. Many girls are wearing the Britney Spears beret hat. Otherwise everything is pretty normal. Low cut tops, backward hats, short skirts, cardigan sweaters, fake leather jackets, etc.

Once we were in and located her friends I just stood around as they didn't talk. Even if they had wanted to have a conversation, it was barely possible. They were all drinking as most everyone was, but Alyssa wanted to buy me a beer. I wanted company so I agreed to have a beer with her. My beer came in a plastic cup, and we instantly became the bestest of friends.

He is rather Fat and some say he resembles a Tire, but he was good company. I just watched the the people and tried to discern anything and he just sat there without a care in the world.

Halfway through my evening at the bar I realized that I should inform Kiki that I was going to be later than I thought. She asked me to help her move, mostly because I am access to a truck. I went to the farthest and darkest corner of the bar in order to minimize the amount of outside noise. My cellular signal was on or off, so I had to wait for my phone to comply with my request.

As I stood waiting, I watched both sexes trying to persuade either one to have sex, but mask it with honest conversation.

After the call was made, my companion and I went back to our former position. We held our ground and wouldn't give up an inch. So many people were concerened with who was watching them, or who wasn't watching them, I just wonder how good a time were they having? Lets say someone did start watching them and decided to go and talk, could a conversation even be had?

Alyssa was having a good time, so that conversely made my time good. She talked to her neighbor a bit, but otherwise just watched the performers and danced a little. Everytime I checked on her she had very girl like natural smile. I was comforted that her big graduation night did not go asunder. My companion did not stay around for the entire evening and departed in its own way, so I was once again alone. Alyssa wanted to go and get me another friend, but I said I didn't want to grow too attached. Cops pull you over when they know your having a good time. They act like the Greek Gods. She was unsatisfied with my answer, but I said that my lonliness shouldn't stop you from having a friend.

Then she chimed that her neighbor would take her home, so I didn't need to stay any longer. "You've been a good friend for me, because I know you don't like these places." I gave her a hug goodbye and said if anything should come up, just call me. She understood, and I left my psuedo-sister in the care of her neighborly friends.

I walked out of the subterranean layer and proceeded past the other bars to my vehicle. There - alone, I felt more at peace than I had the entire evening. I'm glad Alyssa had a good night.

Here is my understanding of friendship. This is taken from three seperate posts that I have made on my friends bulletin board.

1) First Post

There are few people whom I call friend, and many more I call acquaintance.

I believe that I formally ask very little of my friends.

The only formal and primary request I have made is that I do not want to be lied to.

My secondary principles are informal and can only be learned through personal interaction.

Everything can mostly fall under this umbrella:

If any action committed by any friend, that will knowingly cause myself distress, then I would ask you to not follow through with that action.

Examples:

Don't fuck my girlfriend.

Don't abuse my friends.

Don't harm my cat.

Don't kiss my girlfriend.

Don't commit an action that will knowingly hurt one of my friends.

If I love someone, don't fuck them. (Significant other love)

Don't steal my property.

If I broke up with a girl, and I'm obviously still grieving, don't mess with her. Even if I'm suffering for over two years. Just say no.

Obviously these situations don't arise very often if at all, so they are not to difficult to abide by.

If I would consider you a friend, then the aforementioned examples would already be known. People who don't know how to treat me, I do not consider a friend. They may consider me as such, but I do not consider them.

Everyone has the right to act as they see fit, but if they choose to act in a way that will obviously disrupt my value system, I will not call them friend, or treat them like one.

2) Second Post

Two points.

Firstly,
If I crossed a line with anyone I would like to be informed of what I did. I try to stay firm and honor anyones feelings when it comes to my actions, so that I do not cause intentional pain. Most likely I would cause pain through accident, and I would like to rectify the situation so that I can maintain a healthy friendship.

Secondly,
If any of my above "rules" were broken in regards to my significant other or in approximate relation, just like Arthur I would KILL you. I do not mean metaphorically. Some people have it coming.

3) Third Post
*This post has been edited in order keep the integrity of the topic at hand. There were certain points that related to the discussion, but are not closely related enough to further my understanding of friendship.

**Indicates where there was omition.


I would like to elaborate on a few things.

When I laid down certain "rules" they are by no means static. They are just examples of what might upset me. These are not golden rules. I have acquired this impression by the way certain people have used my "rules" in accordance to the discussion of this topic. I may be percieving this poorly, but I wanted to interject nontheless.

If my cat was in a feral mood and attacked the hell out of you, then you should whoop his ass. He has it coming, and that would obviously break one of my "rules."

**

This definition only details how I want to be treated, but fails to include how I want my friends to be in full.

I completely agree with G and Mr Rogers.

"The greatest gift you can give anyone is the gift of your honest self.”

I want my friends to be themselves. It is inherent that since I am around anyone of you, I attain a certain enjoyment from you, be it from many different avenues.

This touches on a different subject.

I want everyone to just be themselves. If those values conflict with mine, in a major or traumatic way, then I do not believe that I can maintain a friendship. The only difference between my friends and everyone else is that I trust them. Due to the inherent nature of the human creature, humans are not to be trusted, but the people I am surrounded by have generally proven themselves through action and not words that they can be entrusted.

Also, I do believe that my values, are not that hard to co-exist with. They are not that easy to upset and I don't expect much out of anybody. I suppose I just ask for the same respect that I would give someone else.

Treat someone the way that THEY want to be treated.

That is the entire reason why I opened this thread. There are certain things that could potentially upset some friends, and I might not even be aware of it. Like the incident with Brandon and Rock Bottom. I want to protect what I value, and I value my friends above all else.

**

If a friend were to have the gall to directly ask me a question, then I believe that I should answer them directly. Truth is truth. If I am afraid of telling the truth, then my conscience is telling me that I probably shouldn't have committed that action. It's a good guideline on how to act.

If any should read this, I would like to preface most of my recent posts. I seem to be preoccupied with cheating as of late, one could say I might be obsessed with it. I have been cheated on and it devastated me. It didn't destroy me, but merely shook up my view on humanity. My close knit of friends have recently experienced a breaking of a bond between two of my friends due to a woman. The woman came in and fucked one of my friends and fucked over the other. Needless to say, it has been a hot topic around every conversation with my group.

This in turn has led to much discussion about morals and how/what/why people react to this situation. It is getting really hot in here.

There seems to be two camps in regards to the reaction of cheating.

Camp one:
The people who have cheated on their significant others and sympathize with the "pain" that the person who committed the cheating is going through.

Camp two:
The people who would never cheat on their significant other and have no sympathy for the other party.

Camp one, also known as the weak and pathetic.

Camp two, also known and the strong and uncompramising.

My bias regarding this matter is immediate and open. When individuals compramise their moral structure in order for immediate personal satisfaction they lose all sense of integrity and any hope of defending their moral code.

Within most relationships the nature of cheating is unspoken. When two individuals come together in union, cheating on one another does not have to be spoken aloud. If one of the partners finds that it is allowed that either party is allowed sexual contact with other people, the people whom believe in this are very outspoken about it. Allowing the shifting of the normal rules is not tacit. I have never willingly or knowingly cheated on any girlfriend, but I have cheated on one girlfriend.

The beginning of the junior year of high school, I met a girl who went to Desert Vista. I met her during the week at a park with some friends, and later that evening my friend Bryan was on the phone with her, and we ended up talking for a few hours.

The next weekend there was a big party at a house in the Foothills where I saw Theresa again. We talked through the entirety of the party, but we kissed at the end of the night. The day was October 18th, 1996.

During this period I had a neighbor, Cheryl, who was a very beautiful girl. We hung out during school nights and talked a lot. She would come over to my house while she was walking her dog and would ask if I could come along with her. I would always accompany her. As you can see, I had a very big crush on her. I never did anything about it, but I never got the feeling that she liked me. I knew that she liked me, but not in a sexual way. Not that I would have done anything anyway, I'm very careful, insecure, and pretty cowardly in my approach with women. Not so much anymore, but then I was very shy. Now I suppose I just don't pay women any attention. The week following my kiss with Theresa was very different with Cheryl. She started paying me much more attention. Not in a friendly manner, but a sexual one. She had no knowledge of Theresa so I knew she wasn't acting out of jealousy or competition. I liked her changed behavior, but at the same time it put me off balance.

Cheryl and I were drinking on Tuesday night, October 21, 1996. Nothing overly spectacular, but just a few casual drinks. We were in my room and I was laying on my back. She proceeded to sit on top of me and ask me if her boobs were to big. I immediately realized her ploy, but I played along. I was in glee at this moment.

"They're not too big. They're the perfect size."

None of this was a lie. She had very full large breasts that were unbelievable. She was very pretty, almost beautiful, and pretty thin. Cheryl was stunning.

Cheryl then grabbed my hands and put them on her breasts and asked again, "Are you sure they arn't too big?"

Being a sixteen year old boy I could hardly mutter a response. "You're being stupid" was all I said.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes"

She proceeded to kiss me and the night melted away.

Cheryl went out of town for a while to visit her dad in California so we didn't talk about what happened. The next weekend I went to another Desert Vista party and met up with Theresa. During the previous week we talked almost every day on the phone. At this party there we didn't talk much because we were preoccuptied with kissing one another.

The next weekend ended up being a repeat performance. Talk on the phone with Theresa, go to DV party, make out. After the third week we talked about being together. I did like her and she wanted to come up with an anniversary date. She decided that our anniversary date should be October 18th, our first kiss. I immediately wanted to object because I realized that with this date, I would have technically cheated on her. I didn't raise a fight because I had no real argument. At least an argument that wouldn't make me feel guilty for manipulating her. I understood why she wanted the date and no other date would sit very well. I conceded and through my course I cheated on Theresa with Cheryl. I lay blame to techicality and romanticism.

I will admit that I believe I have the only story of cheating on a significant other that will draw a laugh. I will strive through the course of my life to maintain that this story will not have a sibling. One could only wish that everyone would take this stance and hold to it.

I am very good at disguising how I really feel. Very Very good. I should have been an actor, but that field has too many drama queens. Not a fan of drama queens. If only more people went into acting because of acting. Instead of the "prestige" and fame that can be attained by "making it."

I was surprised that Shannon was scared the other night. She asked what was going on, so I told her. She didn't like my visage. G asked me the other day why I was tired.
"I'm not tired. I'm just not a happy person."

When I want I can be happy. Sad if the situation calls for it. I'm always happy. At least in persona. When I allow the nature of my disturbed being to be known, obviously to the public, that is because I desire it so. I do not mean this as boast, it's just a part of what I am.

I have broken off with the greatest potential, through mine eyes, than I ever thought possible. It was through mine eyes that I caused all of my turmoil. My perspective was flawed and I am paying for it now. I am not blaming myself, there is no real blame to be made. The source of all the trauma lies in the party. I was merely swirling the water.

It has been a month, since I departed on this venture of singularity. I have continually endured much pain and strife through this entire period but have disguised every moment with being contented. Now I am allowing some water to break through the cracks. I do not know if it will make me feel better. It may or it may not, but it will definitely be a change.

You may not understand my anger.
It may have come at a most unexpected time.
That's life.
I wanted to love you.
I wanted to love you the way I thought I could.
Then you hurt me.
You hurt me again.
You asked for forgiveness.
I thought I gave it to you.
I was wrong.
You were wrong.
You only mouthed the words.
You never followed through.
I can never love you the way I want to love.
I love you.
This isn't what I want.
Not in this twisted and corrputed form.
Love without jealousy, mis-trust,
Pain.
I have had that love.
I know it is possible.
I shared it with you.
Then you shattered it.
It will never be the same.
I will never be the same.
If only it were possible.
History is history.
There is no alteration either way.
Good or ill.
It is what it is.
I just have to deal with it.