Even when you try something grandoise, you learn that those Hollywood moments are generally just that, fiction. In every one of those breathtaking moments that changes the course of a relationship, they all have one thing in common. Each character that changes, they change because they want to. The grandoise event catalyzes something that was already waiting to happen, it just needed the push.

My grandoise romantic display is remembered as something that was amazing in it's own right, but honestly appears to have altered very little. There wasn't much of a catalyst waiting to be catalyzed.

I'm in love with a girl who doesn't love me.

In looking at some earlier posts, I now realize that I reacted in a way to show that for what had transpired, the relationhship I was in would be easy to get over. I did this as a reactionary measure to protect my person. My rationalized shield was strong and almost ultimately convincing. But it was only just a rationalization, a false wall, a way to protect a broken spirit which would eventually fall down as all fake things tend to do. I deceived myself into thinking that I had lost nothing, when in reality I had lost everything.

Sometimes you have to go for it. To prove that you care. To prove that you love someone. It may take something dramatic, absurd, and a little crazy. It's crazy especially when you truly believe that things will not go as you would like them too, but you do it anyway. It's completely worth it, because she is worth it. As can be attested by every mile of pavement I traversed to get where I am now, all thousand of them.

Certain things have unexpectedly come up. It appears that our trip will be cut short by a few days.

A cold cold front has moved in. The beginning of the week we were at the perfect 85, sunny, and no wind. Now it's 56, cloudy, lightly raining and windy. The problem though is the wind. It carries with it a deep chill that will freeze your nuts off.

G and I switched beds for the meantime. My grandmother has an extra room, which G has occupied for all of this stay, and our last, and I sleep in an extra living room on the couch. All in all I have been very comfortable. I didn't realize the comfort I was removing myself from. The spare bed is a queen that is very soft and comfortable. I never realized how much I missed my old bed that I used to have. It too was a very good queen bed. When I first laid in this bed all I could think was, "God, I want to have sex in this bed."

That's not going to happen on this trip, obviously. I don't know what it is laying in such a nice bed, but it makes me so damned charged. And, no I've been taking care of business so I'm not all pent up or anything ;) When I get back and get ready to move out, I'm definitely going to get a nice big bed for my new room. I totally forgot how much awesome sex you can have on a big bed.

As per usual got nowhere.

The events that have transpired have made me deeply insecure. That's the biggest problem I am dealing with. I feel like this worhless shell of a man. It's really pathetic.

I am beginning to learn that I am much too secretive of a person. I always thought of myself as an open book, per others request, but I have to honestly say that I'm not. It's strange, because I have nothing to hide from, but yet I surmise that I do this do protect my own ego. Which has just proven to be bullshit anyway.

She said that she doesn't think she knows who I am anymore. What's sad, I can say I don't think she ever knew me. You never knew me, or you wouldn't of said that. Either that or you were just trying to hurt me. My closest partner, who has been there for it all and who more fully understands what is going on, and what has gone on, said that nothing that has occurred is out of my character. It's just those that think they know me, draw wrong conclusions, and infer wrong intentions. Especially my intentions. They see something, but it means something completely else. The dots are not easy to connect, and I have never put out my plotline. I know. They don't.

I talked to the girl, and the intention was for her to "answer", maybe, a couple of questions I raised, which were in response to the email she sent me. However, I was the one who ended up answering her questions. She was upset about some stuff, interesting she was mad at me, and she was the one who left me. The conversation left on a stonewall of communication, which means fuck I dont know.

Peace Out.

I'm going to go play some pool now.

I have now arrived in the town of my youth Merrill, Oregon. The drive up was very smooth, and the only hitch was that G drove the entire way because I was severely hung over. The most interesting thing of note was driving past mount Shasta. This mount looks like a fabled mountain from Lord of the Rings. It has a very tall peak while being fairly remote from other neighboring mountains. It is very isolated which gives itself a grand presence watching over the land. You can actually see the mount from my Grandma's back yard.

I am at a childhood friends house, who has given me access to his house for whatever I need whenever I want. My cell reception at my G-ma's house is fabulous. Much better than last time I was here over during spring break. It's better than my own home in Phoenix. He uses broadband and the connection is good. He is actually leaving town next week to go to Spain, and will give me the house keys, so I am far from being techologically isolated even though I am in the far remote country.

The wedding and the reception that followed was wonderfully marvelous. After the reception closed we went over to a bar across the street that played very good electronica. Good bar with a lot of atmosphere and boy lots of craziness.

One can go a week without lying but can one go a week without rationalizing? I am now becoming aware that some of the deepest beds of emotion are floating up. Now that I am home in the land the slows time down, all the events that have unfolded are starting to take form. There have been almost all of the myriad of emotions, most of all confusion, and least of all anger. I am one thing and that is a big ball of emotional mess. I have it under control but I am afraid this is a fleeting rationality and everything is about to blow up. I don't know. I don't know what to say, and what I just wrote is utter crap.

If anyone wants to drop a line, or give a call it's totally cool. This isn't so much a vacation as it is an adventure.

Oh couple of notes. (almost got to caught up in my psycho-babble)
- hunting wasps with G and G-pa. Crazy team but most effective.
- jogging to california to see how she is doing. All is good. The air though is so thin, i felt like I ran twice as far as I did. (which was only a few miles)
- Had to tell G-pa why the girl didn't come. He seemed sincerely disapointed. It was very sad and cute.
- working out with farm equipment. It's free and totally cool/weird (makes us hicks lol)

The bachelor party was a huge success. The day started by going wine tasting in napa valley. The day started late so we were only able to hit one winery which was the Roche winery. The bartender was an elderly gentleman who was very gracious and patient with our large and uneducated wino group. He would explain the different aspects of each wine and we went through the wine list. I am not very privy to wine, but I love the idea of drinking wine. As we went through the list some were drinkable and others were not so, but when we came to the sweet wines I found my favorites. When we finished tasting all the wine I decided to buy a couple of bottles. I grabbed one cheap bottle and the other not so. The cheap one for my group to sit and relax and the other for, well, this particular wine was by far the best tasting wine I have ever had. It was extremely delicious, however, this bottle is quite expensive. I decided to spend the money on it, because for one wine keeps for years, and at some point I would like to sit down and crack open this bottle in a romantic setting to celebrate something unique and special.


We left the winery and came back home and hung out until the show we were going to. We came back and drank rum and coke, and wine, and soaked the atmosphere of loud laughter and cruel jokes. Hag's ass made an appearance, as well, usual, but this time it was accompanied by a load of lint balls attached to his ass hair. It's funny now, but it was, well shit, it was funny then too. Really damned funny. Who has multiple balls of lint attached to their ass hair? Well i know one.

We took mass transit to the show, because we were expected to be far too inebriated to have anyone drive home. We came out of the subway, in the district of SF, that is the overtly gay district. I'm not sure what to specifically call it, but that is what it is. Only major note was walking past a transvestite, that looked liked Hoggle from the movie Labryinth, except that this time he was glamoured out in full makeup in a long soft blue dress. You make what you want out of that.

The venue we went to was more than superb and better than anything I could have ever expected. They had four acts that went on. The first guy was a guitarist that was trying a soul blues grass thing, and wasn't too bad. Musically he didn't do much with the guitar, but his vocals were very solid. Josh was way drunk at this point, which was the beginning of the acts, and started being loud as usual. Thing was he loved the guy who was performing, and at one point, the singer, stopped and asked if "is this guy with me or against me." So of course we all shouted with him, since he was. This musician was followed up by two comedians. Both worked for Home Movies, on various parts of the show. Both were very good comedians and very good performers. After the comedians were finished, the band that we came to see went on stage. I had never heard of the band Loquat before, but they were suprisingly very good. The lead singer reminded me of a girl I knew, but after the show almost every guy in our group had this huge crush on her. She is what can be described as ugly pretty. She has a very good voice, and was very excellent on stage. They remind me of the Cartigans. After their show, G and I talked to their drummer and backup vocalist, who Josh used to work with, but he said that they fully approve of the copying and transferring of their music via p2p, or any means possible. We bought their cd, so we will definitely have to start sharing. We then came home very very late. Thus ending the bachelor party.

Earlier in the day I received an email from the girl, which was the first form of communication in which we have had. She asked me to deliver a message, and asked me some stuff, but instead of taking the time out to write her I just called her instead. We talked for a while, but I'm not sure if much was really said. She wanted to address something that she read in a previous post, which I did address...I think anyway. She misinterpreted what I was saying, and felt that I was implying something about her character that she didn't want me to think. I think that was the gist of it anyway. Everything was so very vague, beyond the relaying of particular events that said person did. There were times though that I didn't know quite what to make of it though. She is going through a difficult situation with her moving and her future roommate. I was talking with her about it, and doing my best to provide the best advise I could for her, but when she was talking to me about it I could hear how she was forcing back tears, and outright crying. I understand why she feels like that through her fears, but I have never heard her act with such emotion on the phone removed from our own past, and situation. I know she was trying to reach out and grab something tangible, but I'm not sure what that is. She's stuck in a tough spot.

I am now in San Francisco

Havasupai was golden as usual. The girl we went with, who I barely knew at all before the hike turned out to be one of the greatest girls we have been around in a long time. Us three were crammed in my truck on the drive up, but it was enough fun, that the cramped quarters were not much of a deal at all. G and I will award her with the trooper award, because she was quite tough on the hike in, and in the canyon, and we both knew she was in so much pain and agony. Surprisingly tough chick. When I get back home in a month, I'll put up pictures from the hike.

The party we were with hiked out 3 am sunday morning, but G and I waited until 5pm. We were in no hurry to leave, and their, the early bird gets the worm attitude was way far extreme for us. The hike out was rather brisk, and G and I made it out in 3 hours and 45 minutes. Well we made such good time because we only stopped twice to take a piss, otherwise we did not take a break. We just plowed through. After we reached the top, our bodies showed the signs of our relentless pursuit. Never have I been so sore from the hike. My left leg turned into wood, but the end of my upper wood femure felt as if it was made to large for my hip socket. Basically I could barely, pivot, or rotate my leg in my hip socket. Once we hiked out we only re-situated our luggage and continued our journey to SF. We stopped at a rest stop and slept in the bed of my truck in our sleeping bags. The night before we slept to the roar of a waterfall, and a trickling stream, and the next we slept to the purr of semi-trucks. Wasn't too bad though.

San Fransicso has been great so far. The first night we went out for pizza and beer with the girl who has been ordained through the internet and will marry Josh and Laura. She is an old friend of theirs from college. Then we came back and relaxed and Hagler and I stayed up talking until 4 in the am. Yesterday we went to the zoo, which Josh, thought was free, but it is only free on the first wednesday of the month, which yesterday was not. So we instead went to the SF fine arts museum which is free. I'll post pictures from here as well when I get back. Then we came home to go to a beat box exhibition but we couldn't find the place, so instead we went to a book signing party. Hagler has a small piece of art in the book so we got in and went drinking. They had local bands playing which were absurdly loud. So loud that it was making me lose my sense of balance and awareness. We chilled there for a good part of the night, then basically went home and crashed.

Nick comes in town tonight so that will be good times. The bachelor party is tomorrow and who knows how that's going to turn out. Josh's place is so close to the beach that as i type this and look out the window and I can see the waves oscillating back and forth on the coast.

So far this past week has been a wonderful period of reflection, and I don't know if I'm ready to flesh it all out into words. I will eventually but as has been with many of my last posts, they have been fully emotionally charged. A lot has happened, I have learned a lot and am very hesitant to say anything because it will change the course of everything and leave a wake of tangled painful mess. I am not ready to do that yet. I hope this will not be my last post for a while but due to the hectic activities coming up I may not be able to post until I am in Oregon. Oh well, good times to all. See most of you very soon. :)

I'm going to hike HHHHAAVVVVVAAAAAAASSSUUUUUPPPPAAAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!!!

The other night G and I were at Applebee's happy hour and a girl he knew in High School for a short time met up with us with her friend. I have known her for really only a little over a week. She brought up that she is leaving to hike Havasupai this weekend. We were talking about it and she invited me with her Havasupai group because an extra slot had opened up. I said I wouldn't go unless G would be able to, and in the end it worked out and we leave tonight. This changes my traveling plans a bit, no more LA, but instead will go straight from Supai to San Francisco. But come on, it's Havasupai!!

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My mother found out about the breakup with K, which led into an interesting discussion. She wanted to know why and I told her why K left me. The piece of 'advise' that can sum up why, "when you are in a relationship you have to spend so much energy on relationship you dont have enough energy for yourself." There are multiple reasons why this piece of advise is counterproductive and extremely harmful, especially in this instance, when it was given.

Later I will elaborate philosophically why this advise is crud, but I have one major focal point that I want to address. I alluded to this piece of advise in an earlier post, but there I was vague, here I shall be direct and honest, and without remorse. The problem I shall discuss is from whom this advise was given.

This advise was given from K's father. Some back story is needed in order to understand the context. The Father has never liked my existence and my relationship with K. The wonderful mother figure has tried to help the situation, and also provide reasons for his uncomfortable way in dealing with me. "He is like that to younger men." Well that would be an acceptable response, if his behavior towards myself was consistent. Which it never has. He didn't act like this when I first started dating her, but his demeanor changed after the first time we broke up. They never knew that she fucked another guy, but more or less probably thought that I was just stringing her along, and being fickle with my engagement. They never knew the truth, and they never will. But I digress, his behavior has been sporatic and inconsistent, so the model behavior they have presented is invalid. This was something that I knew while we were together, but other information has come out since we have been seperated.

I have since learned how the brother has known that Father has hated me for quite some time. Whenever my name is mentioned Father releases the sigh. This type of sigh is an exasperation of emotion in connection to something that is in disagreement. I was talking with Brother, and mentioned how he is the only thing from old that I shall not let go of, and found it interesting that his Father's disagreement with me would not affect our relationship, like it had with Daddy's little girl. He said it does though, because he cannot mention my name around Father without causing the sigh, or altering his mood for the negative. The Father figure does not want me with Daddy's little girl.

The advise that he gave was not for her own good, but his own. I sincerely believe that he did not do this out of malicious intent, but it would serve his own personal interests. Just like the guy who is doing favors for the girl who he likes. He sincerely believes he is doing good for the person, but the real intent is that he wanted to be with her. It is a laden, hidden and tacit agenda. His advise works out because he gets her to leave me and the stress of our relationship, even though the girl has said, that I was not a burden on her, and she had no problem with the our relationship. The problem laid out does not follow with actions that she followed. Either she really did buy her father's advise and followed him like a sheep and worked herself to her disadvantage, or there has been a hidden reason the entire time. It is entirely true that she is just a girl out of her senses and following poor advise like a lemming, but I find that there is most likely something contrary.

The first thing my mother said when I told her the phrase that kept ringing true to her, she said "oh god, i feel so sorry for her." She felt this way because she said that she has given much thought to K leaving and trying to make a career in film. She felt bad for her, because when she leaves she now will be truly alone. What comforted my mother in K's journey, was that she was leaving all of her comfort and security, but when she was in her new city and land, having that little bit of security in our, what she believed was a very good and secure relationship was going to be huge in her acclimation. As opposed to Father, my mother and I both understand and recognize why K must leave and attempt this. I was telling K she had to leave, when I was the one who had the most of anyone to lose. My mother understands why K has to because she did the same in her youth with a modeling career. My mother has done what K is going to do, and she said she now fears for her now. Diving into a new career is terrifying because of the prospect of uncertainty, but that little bit of security is what helps you make it through so that you can be successful. Without it my mother said she never would have made it.

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I just put together two events.

The week before my birthday, my boy who is with his cancerous mother in Missouri asked K how our relationship would work when she moved. She said with upmost confidence that it would be fine, the drive is short and we would do whatever we could to see each other. I was in a different conversation but peaked into theirs. Hearing her say that quite a bit of confidence that we did indeed have a strong chance making it work over distance.

Then about two weeks later, she ran into the boy's girlfriend and she asked the same question. The response was wholly different. She was skittish, nervous and didn't really answer the question. She avoided it because she didn't know how to tell the girlfriend how she wanted out.

Two short weeks made a lot of difference.

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I leave for my journey in a few hours. The weather forecast has alarmed people that the weather is going to be perfect. How that calls for alarm I dont know. Something too good to be true probably isn't. I wonder of that is what they were getting at. If so then that is completely appropriate for me, it would hold true for so many other things in my life as well.

Half of this post was written out of complete anger and vexation. But much of it I will let go, because the Father will become a distant memory and i no longer have to deal with him, and hopefully his like ever again. His part is over, too bad he made it at parts so difficult and unnecessarily stressful. As a girl said, who knows the situation and carries feminine sympathy, "that man has been such a thorn in your guys relationship." So true. So true.

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Had my final day of work yesterday, it was nice and chill, and a co-worker and I totally boozed it up. It was the first time I had ever drank on the job, but apparently I had gained a reputation of doing this on a not so uncommon frequency. Have no idea how I managed that. Other than being groggy, and have never been inebriated at work before. Good times.

My eight days of inebriation shall come to a close for thine mistress. She is tough, strong, and never fickle. One must be fully hydrated to handle Havasupai. Here we go.

A girl whom I used to work with instant messaged me out of the blue earlier today. She left a few months ago, so I was surprised to hear from her. We just started chatting for a bit, and she of course asked about my relationship status and such. I didn't want to adddress it immediately because I knew what would then follow. This is a girl who asked me out on a date, and I responded with, "sorry, my heart and my cock belongs to another girl." She appears to be the type of girl that just because your taken, that will not scare her away. I was covering both bases.

Well her questions were very incisive and I told her my status. She was surprised to hear what I said. She never thought I would be single. She then says "I spent my last couple months thinking that u were so great and that ur gf, whoever she was, was sooo lucky to have u and that she shd know that." I mean I know why a girl says such things, but I found it funny. I have no doubt she possessed such ideas, but what what was funny was her extrapolating from my work persona, and blanketing every other facet of my existence.

At work I often times supervise the other employees and when doing so am always in a real fine mood. Walking around and helping people with problems is really enjoyable, and much easier than actually working the lines. When people get the opportunity to talk with me I am always jovial, witty, and emotionally calm under diress, and always full of good spirits. This is primarily the only view of my being that they are witnessed to, so I understand why they would think i am the same everywhere in life. This girl has this wonderful conception of me and truly believes that I am this completely wonderful person when she is making the logical fallacy of assuming that because I am comforting and helpful at work, I would therefore be a good father for example. This all may be very well true, but she is making the error of reducing my compexity of mind from tiny fragments of experience.